Thursday, March 26, 2009

Offseason Maneuvering – San Francisco 49ers Interview Matt Stafford

Mike Singletary: Thank you for giving us some time today Mr. Stafford.

Matt Stafford: No problem. I’m just really excited to have the chance to be the starting quarterback for an NFL team.

Singletary: Well, that’s why we’re here. If you don’t mind, we’d like to ask you some questions that will help us determine if you’re ready to be our starting quarterback.

Stafford: Sure thing coach. Fire away.

Singletary: Great. So, first and foremost, how have you been responding to the divorce of your parents?

Stafford: Excuse me?

Singletary: Matt, you seem to be closing up. Do you have unfinished business that results from your parents falling out of love?

Stafford: Uhh…I don’t think so…

Singletary: It wasn’t your fault, Matt.

Stafford: What?

Singletary: It wasn’t your fault.

Stafford: I know that.

Singletary: It wasn’t your fault.

Stafford: Are you parroting Good Will Hunting?

Singletary: Have you ever had thoughts about a man sexually?

Stafford: No!

Singletary: Never been fascinated with the phallus as a penetrating agent?

Stafford: What?

Singletary: Clearly, you’re repressed sexually. Matt, what was your youngest sexual memory?

Stafford: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Singletary: It has everything to do with anything. Remember that Ken Dorsey kid? Totally flamed out. Remember why? Wore ladies underwear to express his psychic shadow.

Stafford: I thought he just didn’t have the arm for the job.

Singletary: That’s why I’m the head coach, and you’re the closeted, possibly molested quarterback.

Stafford: What about anything I’ve said makes you think those things?!?

Singletary: Oh that’s just my default starting point for everyone we interview. Matt, have you shifted your to the next archetype?

Stafford: Coach, I went to UGA and majored in determining whether he Bulldog Bunny I was hooking up with was or was not related to me. What on earth makes you think I would understand anything you just said.

Singletary: Matt, we all have psychological archetypes through which we must move in order to have stability in our lives. If we fail to make the transition from one phase of life to the next, psychosis can result. Take it from a man who gets into hissy fits on the sidelines and drops his pants as a joke in team meetings, it is SUPER important to mature to the next phase of your life.

Stafford: I’m out of here. (/exits)

Singletary: Damn. We really need a replacement after what years of quarterbacking this team has done to our last QB of the future.

Alex Smith: (/smears name on the wall in feces) It’s so the angels in my arm know whose they are!

Singletary: Still more talented than that drunk O’Sullivan, honestly.

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