Thursday, July 10, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: San Francisco 49ers

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the San Francisco 49ers.

[Somewhere at the San Francisco 49ers practice facilities]

Trent Dilfer: (/addresses locker room) Well guys, that’s pretty much it for old Trent. I know, it’s been a long, wonderful career, but this last injury is the one that’ll put the brakes to it, I think. And hey, could I have asked for anything more? I mean, I was a first round draft pick. I was named to a Pro Bowl. Heck, I even won a Super Bowl!

(/starts to choke up)

I guess…I guess the point is that this game has been truly, truly wonderful to me. And I’m grateful.

(/tears begin to slowly roll from eyes)

Sincerely, awesomely, grateful.

Security Guard: (/brandishes mace) Seriously, Mr. Dilfer, I'm pretty sure we're the only ones here, and you’ve been asked to vacate the premises twice now. If I have to ask you to leave again, it’s gonna get ugly.

Dilfer: (/hangs head) I said the thing about the Super Bowl, right?

Guard: Like, nine times. And for the record, you took Ray Lewis’s “I’m going to Disney World.” That was cold. You KNEW he loved Big Thunder Mountain.

Dilfer: (/turns to exit locker room)

Alex Smith & Vernon Davis: (/slow clap)

Dilfer: (/looks over shoulder, smiles, and exits locker room)

Davis: Why the hell are you here, anyway?

Smith: Just had to confirm that there was one less quarterback the team was considering starting instead of me. One down, about a hundred something to go. And I hear Brooks Bollinger might have tweaked his knee, so the list keeps getting shorter! Everything’s coming up Smith, baby! Why are you here?

Davis: Per my Under Armour endorsement contract, until I stop being such an incredible disappointment, I’m obligated to protect this house by living in the locker room.

Smith: Sucks.

Davis: Click clack, son.

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