Offseason Maneuvering: Miami Dolphins

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the Miami Dolphins.

[Somewhere in the Miami Dolphins practice facility]


Bill Parcells: Men, welcome to training camp. Now, I know that we’re starting a new season, and that I have certain preconceptions attached to my name, and Lord knows you all have preconceptions attached to your name, but I think that we need to avoid letting those ideas define us at this stage. I want us to be straight with one another from the get go.


John Beck: Well gee, coach, that sounds swell!

Parcells: (/glares) I swear if you ever speak to me again without me specifically asking you to I am going to kick you in the nuts so hard you time travel back to when I was relevant for something other than snarling at black players. You got me, chinless?

Beck: Aww shucks.

Parcells: Now, like I was saying, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. So I think it would be best if you all went back to what you do best...


Ted Ginn Jr.: (/drops passes)


Ernest Wilford: (/drops passes)


Clifford Franklin: (/drops passes)


Joey Porter: (/exists without purpose)

Parcells: And I just went back to glaring at you all from a luxury booth. So, without further ado, here’s your coach, Tony Sparano.


Tony Sparano: Tanks a ton mistah Pahcells. I know youz likes it when deez guys put in da hahd work dat it takes ta be a real professional typa playa in dis league. Dats why I’m gonna be extra hahd on youz lazy assholes. Now, you go getcha pads on n’ meetz me out on da practice field…


Jason Taylor: (/cha-chas into room with a train of video equipment and TV personnel following) Sorry I’m late guys, but it’s true, Jason Taylor is here!

Sparano: Jason? I though you wasn’t comin’ around for deez things?

Taylor: (/twirls) I know I initially said that, but then I thought about it and realized that I belong with my team the Miami Dolphins. It’s always been that way. It’s ESPECIALLY that way now that I’ve signed a pilot deal with ABC for my new reality show “Playing Football With The Stars”.

Porter: What?

Parcells: (/glares)

Taylor: (/jete's) This is basically a great opportunity for me to integrate the thing I do, football, with the thing I really want to do, which is be on television! ABC thought it was a great idea to get me some more face time on the network, right guys?


ABC Exec: Of course, Jason. I mean, you’re an athlete, you dance, you can speak clearly; YOU ARE AN ENTERTAINMENT TRIPLE THREAT!!!

Parcells: (/glowers)

Taylor: Hold on, guys, my contract says I need to devote a certain amount of time in the “diary booth.”

(/soft-shoes to corner of locker room, sits down and faces camera)

Taylor: I’ve got to say, I hate everything and everyone on this team. They are so far beneath me, it is ridiculous. I mean, did anyone watch last season? I put up an INCREDIBLE statistical year! Just because I’m the best player on the team, and have made myself the face of the franchise, and have used that status toward great personal and professional gain, doesn’t mean you can expect me to take any responsibility for the most embarrassing season in the history of the NFL. Seriously, we started JOHN “Big Love” BECK last year! He can’t throw, can’t run; could someone explain to me whether or not his crazy ass religion counts as an intangible or something?

Beck: Well that hardly seems like a nice thing to say when I’m in the room.

Parcells: (/scowls)

ABC Exec: Coach Sparano, could you tell us how Jason being back with the team makes you feel?

Sparano: Well, ta tell ya’s da truth, I’m kinda relieved on da one hand but cert’nly pissed off at da fact dat he tinks he’s got da right tah dictate out plans for da season. Youz media fruitcakes is turned him inta dis ting where he swishes around thinkin dat he’s got nuttin ta prove wen in reality he was on da most awful team in da league last years. So now, instead ‘a him comin in n’ workin da way he usedta, now he’s always cryin about mistah Pahcells, who’s justa great fuckin guy, or dancin ‘round like he’s at sumsorta saseeeej suckin party. (/takes breath, smiles) Imean, whysit always gotta be sumthin with deez moolies, am I right?

ABC Exec: (/whispers to cameraman) What the hell did he say?


Cameraman: No idea, but I get the feeling we should just bleep out that whole thing.

Parcells: (/scanners)