Monday, June 23, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: Dallas Cowboys

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the Dallas Cowboys

[Somewhere at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility]

Tank Johnson: And then, the doctor tells Portnoy, “Now vee may perhaps to begin, yes?”

Wade Phillips: I don’t get it.

Pacman Jones: (/bursts into office) Coach, I have an important announcement.

Phillips: Yes?

Jones: I ain’t going by my nickname, Pacman, anymore. It’s time for me to move on.

Phillips: That’s great! Does this mean you’re starting a new life, much like your new life in the league, Adam?

Jones: Who da FUCK is Adam? Nah, this just means that the old ID is getting hot. I need a NEW nickname, one that the streets can get behind. Also, Pacman is played out at this point.

Phillips: What?

Jones: Bitch you heard me, now help me test a few of these out.

Jones: “Grand Theft Auto” Jones..

Phillips: Um, I’m not sure that it’s such a good idea to use that one so soon after returning to the league.

Jones: Yeah, I hear you, I thought it was a little obvious myself, but still, it gets the point across.

Phillips: What do you mean, “gets the point across”?

Jones: Never mind. How about, “Zapper Jones”

Phillips: I mean, I think there’s an equally big problem with that.

Jones: Right, I hear you, not technically a game, more of a hardware piece...

Jones: How about Hogan’s Alley Jones?

Phillips: That was not what I meant, and I don’t even know what that game is and I’m vetoing it on the violence of that cover.

Jones: But that game taught you the precious balance of life: You gotta stay quick enough to cap suckas, but not so quick that you shoot up cops or bitches.

Phillips: Truly a life lesson, but no.

Jones: Battle Chess Jones?

Phillips: Why would you pick the one intellectual game with violence in the title?

Jones: Mighty Bomb Jack Jones?

Philips: No.

Jones: Because there’s a bomb in the name?

Phillips: No, because that game sucks.

Johnson: And they always randomly send you to the room that kills you for no damn reason!

Jones: Marble Madness Jones?

Johnson: That was ahead of its time, but I feel like people won’t understand. They need to Wii that bitch up.

Jones: Double Dribble Jones?

Phillips: That’s just confusing.


Jones: Double Dragon Jones?

Phillips: Perhaps a game that doesn’t start with a woman getting the hell punched out of her?

Jones: Even if it’s a metaphor for my…

Phillips: That is confusing AND gross. No.

Jones: You know what, man, first it’s too violent, then it’s confusing, then I can’t talk about my dong…y’all can’t help me do nothing!

Johnson: I believe I have a solution.

[Later, at a press conference]

Reporter: Coach Phillips! Who do you feel really practiced well at camp?

Phillips: Well, I can’t say enough about Tony, and Tank looked good. But the guy who really stood out was…(/sighs)…Little Adam Jones: The Dream Master.

Reporter: Who?

Phillips: Don’t ask.

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