A Moment With Chris Henry: On Cedric Benson

(/sits in front of fireplace, pours a glass of cognac)

Evening, bitches.

(/sips cognac)

My name is Chris Henry. Some of you muthafuckas may remember me as the only player besides Mike “Puppy Love” Vick to get an indefinite suspension from the NFL. AKA I am the realest muthafucka up in this bitch. I’ma be taking over crime corresponding duties from my brother from another mother Marcus Vick, who’s getting ready to do another bid for DUI after he got pulled over and then sped away from the cops after they asked him to get out of the car.

(/starts to tear up)

That’s Marcus. Always doing the brave thing, never the smart thing. Absolutely never the smart thing. In fact, anytime that muhfucka does anything, even if it ain’t the brave thing, please believe it won’t be smart. Keep ya head up, Marcus. RUN BABY! Oh, wait, he got caught?

(/sips cognac)

Well fuck that mark ass bitch then. Dumb ass muhfucka.

(/sips cognac)

Anyway, I’m here to tell you bitches and tricks about a real ass dude, one who just lost his job like I lost mine, except he ain’t hit a kid to do it, so he ain’t trill like me. Still, y’all gotta give it up for Cedric Benson. Dude is having a ROUGH ass time right about now. First, he catches so much hate from his teammates that they actually try to injure him so Thomas Jones could start. That’s just bitch assedness, and that shit ain’t cool. For starters, Thomas Jones is awful. Like, 3.6 yards a carry awful. Thomas Jones wouldn’t know what a successful conversion looked like if he built a muhfuckin time machine to travel back to muhfuckin biblical times. If Thomas Jones lived then, Acts 2:41 would read “there were added unto them about ¾ of a soul and a cloud of dust.” Thomas Jones never gets Megan Good to orgasm, because right before he gets there he stops all forward progress of his crotch.

(/sips cognac)

Seriously, Thomas Jones is muhfuckin AWFUL.

(/sips cognac)

But more importantly, I know what it’s like to have teammates hatin on you, like them hatin ass haters the Bengals did on me. Like one time, it was my birthday, and I decided to put a flask in my pants for practice. So I went out there, and I caught a couple of passes, and then I took a sip outta my flask, and the next thing I know, Coach’s bitch ass is screaming at me. So I tell his ass to chill out, that I’m a grown ass man and if I want to get a lil crunk at practice on my birthday, then just back the fuck off my swag, hater. And so what if it turned out that it was a game, and I was lining up on the wrong offense, and it wasn’t my birthday, and I’d stripped down to nothing but my pads? Haters to the left, is what CH Balanced always says, because bitch I’m Chris Henry, a pimp hand driving man.

(/sips cognac)

And now these cops are trying to hold Cedric Benson down by means of a conspiracy, probably driven by that cracker ass cracker Roger Goodell, same way they did me. They trying to make Cedric look like he’s got a drinking problem. Bitch, you try being a running back where your passing game is Rex Grossman and see if defenses don’t line they asses up in the box to stop YOU! Besides, just look at these police photos on the nights of his supposed “intoxication”…


If you think that Cedric Benson is drunk then yo ass is a black hating RACIST. In the first one, he ain’t drunk, he’s just “coolin.” Besides, drunk don’t count if it’s on the water; that’s in the Bible. And in the second photo, he’s just laughing at the cops hatin asses. Only thing that looks drunk there is that gay ass shirt he’s wearing. Yo, Ced, NOT the shirt you wanna be going into the pen with.

(/sips cognac)

In closing, the media, Roger Goodell, and the racist hater society that continues to persecute and prosecute truth tellers like me and Cedric Benson need to back the fuck off us.

(/sips cognac)

And that’s all for me, your gorgeous gangsta and jimmy-swingin’ gentleman, Chris Henry.

(/rises up out of chair, falls over himself drunkenly, vomits)