[Somewhere in the Giants practice facility]
Tom Coughlin: Alright men, that was a great job out there today, and I really want for us to get our heads in the right place to carry the momentum we build now into next season.
Plaxico Burress: (/nods)
Amani Toomer: (/rocks in rocking chair, smokes pipe, stares into space reminiscing on the golden days [read: 1927].)
Coughlin: Now I think that…
Jeremy Shockey: (/kicks in the door, visibly drunk) WHO’S BEEN DOING PUSHUPS AND POUNDING MARGARITAS ALL DAY AND IS READY TO FUCKING VOICE SOME ROCKING ASS DISPLEASURE LIKE HE’S ELI’S NEW WIFE? (/does vicious air guitar riff) THIS GUY!!!
Eli Manning: (/slinks away to locker, hides inside)
Reporters: (/filter into locker room) Jeremy, can you tell us about how unsatisfied you are with this team?
Shockey: Oh, you mean because I gotta work for Nazi Father Time over here? That asshole always had a reputation for being strict, but you dudes don’t know the half of it. One time, I’m at this party the team got invited to, and I decide it’d be a funny prank to piss in the punch bowl. So I whip out the lightning rod and start draining, and coach is all like “Jeremy stop peeing in the punch, people want to drink that, we’re here as guests of the Make a Wish foundation, blah blah blah.” I mean, shit man, have some fun, right? But I’m not going to be the one to talk. I’m going to be quiet, UNLIKE THE DOUCHEBAG GIANTS WHO I HATE.
Coughlin: What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one going to the media!
Shockey: See?!? You’re TOTALLY misrepresenting the facts! This is JUST like the time you kept me off of the sidelines during the Super Bowl!
Coughlin: Are you serious right now? That’s absolutely not what happened. Don’t you remember that night?
Shockey: Why do you ask questions that you already know the answer to, Leatherface? Of course I don’t fucking remember because I don’t remember how I got here! (/turns to reporters) And who the fuck are all of you?
Reporters: You called us up and told us you had nothing to say and that if we wanted to hear that nothing we should meet you at the Giants practice facility.
Coughlin: Right, well, here’s what actually happened that night…
[Flashback to Super Bowl XLII, before the game in the locker room]
Coughlin: Alright team, let’s get ready to go get in there and win this…
Shockey: (/kicks in the door, visibly drunk) WHO JUST CRASHED HIS CAR SWERVING INTO THE HANDICAP PARKING AREA AND IS READY TO SCREAM AT AN ATHLETIC EVENT LIKE ELI’S GIRLFRIEND DID FOR ME WHILE HE WAS WATCHING SEINFELD RERUNS LAST NIGHT? (/does vicious air guitar riff) THIS GUY!!!
Manning: (/hides under locker room bench)
Coughlin: Jeremy, it’s great that you’re here, but we really need to stay focused.
Shockey: I’m here to get you D-bags focused, Wrinkles. Who’s ready to fucking win this thing for AMERICA and show the terrorists that we’re not backing down?!?
David Tyree: Um, I guess, me?
Shockey: Yeahfuckingright how about somebody whose name I actually know?
Tyree: Hey! I really feel like I’m going to have a good game tonight!
Shockey: Well then put it up top, dude! (/holds up hand for high five)
Tyree: Ok! (/goes for high five)
Shockey: MEAT CHECK! (/punches David Tyree in the dick)
Tyree: (/crumples to the floor)
Shockey: What? Come on, like that asshole is going to do anything tonight. Yo I need to drain the lightning rod I’ll see you dickbags later!
[1 hour later]
Shockey: (/stumbling around stadium drunk) Holy shit these things are big. Where the hell is the piss pot? (/opens door)
Father In Luxury Box: Um, hi?
Shockey: OH FUCK ME THERE’S A LINE TO PISS HERE?
Father: Um, this isn’t a bathroom.
Shockey: YOU LISTEN TO ME I DO NOT GIVE A FUUUUUUCK IF IT’S BROKEN I’M GOING IN THE SINK. (/whips it out, pees in sink, misses and generally sprays all over counter) Oh my lord that is GREAT!
Father: Excuse me!
Shockey: Dude I’m not tipping you if I didn’t even get a urinal. (/sees nachos and open bar) YO BATHROOM BAR! I tried to get one of these installed in the locker room but coach said no so instead I just filled up my shampoo bottles with Hurricane mix. (/makes drink, sits down and starts pounding booze)
[Back in the present…]
Coughlin: And you stayed there for four hours.
Shockey: Oh…well, can I still get traded?
Coughlin: We tried to offer you to the Dallas Cowboys earlier today, but Jerry Jones said he didn’t want to take that kind of character risk.
Shockey: MAYBE BECAUSE HE’S NOT READY FOR THE SHOCKER! WOO HOO, ANOTHER SEASON WITH THE G-MEN! (/does vicious air guitar riff)
Coughlin: I really hope we cut you.
Chris Baker: (/storms into room, breathing heavily) Hey, I heard there were reporters here. I’m a disgruntled New York tight end too, who wants to interview me!?!? Anybody? Anybody???