Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: New York Giants

[Inside the Giants locker room]

Tom Coughlin: Men, we did something really special last year when we won the Super Bowl…

Plaxico Burress: (/cries like a little girl) It was such a special moment!

Coughlin: (/looks strangely at Plaxico) Right…well, anyway, I know that we pulled off an incredible feat last year, but I think there’s no reason we can’t do the same this year. We’re bringing back the same team, with our young studs one year older and wiser.

Amani Toomer: Damn right! (/sits down and begins to use typewriter to write letter)

Coughlin: Our veteran defensive line is still in place.

Michael Strahan: Yeah! Hey, coach, while I’m here, could I get $8 million for just, you know, being 36?

Coughlin: (/closes eyes and takes deep breath) I promised I wasn’t going to frown so much anymore. Anyway, best of all, we’ve got our Super Bowl winning, now veteran quarterback returning this year, Eli! (/looks around) Um, has anybody seen Eli?

Eli Manning: (/storms into the locker room) Oh shit oh shit oh shit! Everybody, we’ve got to hide! Get out of here NOW!!!

Coughlin: (/grabs Manning by collar) Calm down Eli! What are you talking about?

Manning: Don’t you see? HE’S COMING BACK!!!

Coughlin: Who’s coming back?

Jeremy Shockey: (/kicks in the door, visibly drunk) WHO’S BEEN DRINKING HURRICANES AND LISTENING TO TOBY KEITH RECORDS ALL DAY AND IS READY TO ROCK? (/does vicious air guitar riff) THIS GUY!!!

Entire Giants Team: (/sighs collectively) Fuck.

Shockey: (/swaggers up to Amani Toomer) What’s up, black father time? They didn’t export your ass from the shores of the US of A for being an alien? Get the picture, amigo (/rips sleeve off of shirt, revealing blank arm) Oh, shit, wrong one. I’ve gotta stop wearing sleeves. (/rips other sleeve off of shirt, revealing gloriously American tattoo) See that? These colors don’t run! (/chugs hurricane) WOOOOO!

Toomer: There are so many things wrong with that thought, but I guess I’ll start with the fact that just because my name is a little different, that doesn’t mean I’m not an American citizen.

Shockey: Whatever dickbag; you’d better salute old glory when they run it up that pole. Right, Plax? (/holds hand up signaling hi-five)

Burress: Um…yes? (/goes for hi-five)

Shockey: (/punches Plaxico in the dick) MEAT CHECK! Hah!

Burress: (/cries like a little girl) You’re such an a-hole…

Shockey: Now where’s that D-Bag Boss?

Kevin Boss: Right here, Jeremy.

Shockey: That’s MASTER to you, Rookie!

Boss: I’m not a rookie anymore, remember? I played in the Super Bowl last year.

Shockey: First of all, I pounded so many hurricanes that game that I didn’t remember we won until I came out of my blackout two months later wearing this kickass ring. Second, I wasn’t here to haze you enough last year so it didn’t count, so get ready to eat shit. Speaking of which…(/pulls down pants, defecates into own gym bag) My gym bag is dirty, rookie. Clean it with your toothbrush!

Boss: That’s disgusting and I’m not cleaning your gym bag.

Shockey: (/chugs hurricane) Whatever rook! (/swaggers over to Tom Coughlin) Yo wrinkles, bet you're pissed you haven’t gotten rid of me yet.

Coughlin: Believe me, we tried, but the New Orleans Saints said that George Bush would be less of a locker room cancer than you would.

Shockey: Yeah eat a dick. Where’s Eli?

Manning: (/hides in corner)

Shockey: (/spots Eli) ELI!! Whatup bro!?!

Manning: (/stands up) I’m warning you, Jeremy, I’m a man now! No more taking dirty looks from you during games, no more putting up with your backbiting in the media, and definitely no more getting swirlies after practice!

Shockey: No way dude! Come on, you did it! You won the big one!! I always said that once you proved yourself in the postseason, you’d be the man, right? Well now you did it. So guess what that means?

Manning: What?

Shockey: THERE ARE NOW TWO SICK DUDES IN THIS LOCKER ROOM!!! Grab yourself a hurricane, my man! (/hands Eli hurricane, gets one for himself) LET’S TOAST IT UP TO BEING SWEET FUCKING BROS!!! (/raises glass)

Manning: Hey…yeah! That’s pretty awesome! (/goes to toast glasses)

Shockey: (/punches Eli in the dick) MEAT CHECK!! TWO TIMES!!! WHO’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND IS STILL THE ROCKINGEST FUCKER ON THIS TEAM?!? (/does vicious air guitar riff) THIS GUY!!!


BigRicks said...

This is the most believable locker room confrontation I've ever read on these internets.

I read once that Shockey does push ups when he's drunk to get the alcohol out of his system, which I think is commendable, since I usually revert to methods usually practiced by 18 year old girls with body issues

ruffian96 said...

Hilarious. That has to be how it really is.