Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: Indianapolis Colts

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the Indianapolis Colts.

[Somewhere in the Colts practice facility]

Marvin Harrison: (pacing outside the locker room) Man, what an awful week. Everybody thinks I’m not a stand up guy now. Of course, I should probably know better. Silly Marvin, thinking that you can own whatever gun you like so long as it is properly registered and use the money that you earn to invest in local businesses of your choosing in the neighborhood in which you grew up.. This is the NFL, for Pete’s sake! What in the jiminy jeebers was I thinking?!? Well, no matter. The important thing is that workouts are starting, and this is my chance to show everyone that Marvin Harrison is still a swell fella!

(/deep breath)

Here we go!

(/enters locker room, everyone immediately gets quiet)

Harrison: (awkwardly) Hey, guys. What’s going on?



Harrison: (/walks up to Kenton Keith) Hey Kenton!

Kenton Keith: (/freezes up)

Harrison: I heard you had a run in with the law. I guess you know that I know what that’s like, huh?

Keith: (/starts sweating uncontrollably) No! I mean…yes Mr. Harrison! I mean, of course, you’re not guilty of anything! Unless you want to be!

Harrison: Kenton, call me Marvin, man,

Keith: (/eyes widen in abject terror) SORRY! Marvin! Oh God I’m sorry!!! Please, I’ve got a child! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I’VE GOT A CHILD!!! (/tears stream)

Harrison: What in the wide wide world of Indianapolis sports has gotten into you? (/walks away)


Harrison: (/walks up to Anthony Gonzalez) Hey Tony. Listen, I put together these route tips for you this offseason, and…(/reaches for pocket)

Anthony Gonzalez: (/ducks quickly and throws hands up) DON’T!

Harrison: (/looks surprised) I was just reaching for the papers I folded in my pocket!

Gonzalez: (/laughs nervously) Ha, ha. I…uh…I knew that. I guess I’m just nervous about the new season…can’t get enough of that football early, on, right?

Harrison: Sure, I guess. Oh, and here…(/reaches for other pocket)

Gonzalez: GUN!!! (/ducks quickly and throws hands up)

Harrison: …is the pen I wanted to give you to take notes.

Gonzales: (/looks embarrassed, but still clearly scared) Oh…uh…sorry (/takes pen)

Harrison: Ok, well, see ya around! (/walks away) There must be some way to show these guys…


Harrison: (/walks up to Reggie Wayne) Hey, Reggie…

Reggie Wayne: (/begins crying and kneeling to plead for life) Oh God! Oh God!! PLEEEASE MARVIN, DON’T HURT ME!! I’m sorry I got better stats than you last year! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I’ll make it up to you! Do you want money? Women? I WILL KILL FOR YOU! I know! Watch! I’ll hurt myself! Then you can rest assured knowing that it will never happen again! (/removes hammer from locker and smashes his right hand with it) SEE?!? I’M SORRY MR. HARRISON!! PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME!!!

Harrison: That is ENOUGH!! Guys, I’m Marvin! Marvin Harrison! I’m not some monster. I just happen to own a gun! Lots of people do it, all the time. The fact that I happen to own a very particular, very dangerous gun is just the natural result of an interest in weapons! It is immature? Maybe, but no more immature than those guys who collect Star Wars toys! And I’m not some hoodlum who can’t cut inner city violence ties like Sal Paolantonio seems to think that I am. I own a business in the inner city, in a neighborhood in which I grew up and would like to see improved. Sure, I frequent the place; it’s my business. And if I carry a gun there sometimes because I’m a registered gun owner, well, this is America and last I checked when most people, or at least most white people do that sort of thing, they get called “real Americans,” or whatever softball mildly discriminatory phrase you want. Did I have poor judgment? Maybe, but all I’m asking is that you not equate my poor judgment with a gross character flaw based in something dark simply because certain media buzz words are getting thrown around.

(pause as entire Colts locker room looks and considers Harrison’s words)


Peyton Manning: (/enters and begins yelling in a Peyton Manning freakout style rant) Hey! Hey! Marvin! Yeah I’m talking to you, idiot! What the hell do you think you’re doing getting involved with a shooting!? You thin this is tome cot damned show where you can do whatever the hell you want?!? Wrong, bitch! This is my show, and your ass is just another actor in the Peyton Manning Reality Experience for Colts fans, so when I tell you to get in line, YOU GET IN LINE! Now hurry your ass up and get out to the practice field so I can make you look like you have some damn chemistry with me, you [long, bleeped expletive].

(/exits locker room)


Harrison: (/reaches into gym bag to pull out customized, chrome plated AK-47 rifle with a laser scope attached, in addition to a knife at the end of the barrel. Also, there’s a grenade launcher somewhere on there, because hey, you never know.)

(/takes deep breath)

Oh that muthafucka is getting capped.

1 comment:

Matthew said...

I wonder if Harrison has a provocation defense to mitigate to manslaughter?