Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: Pittsburgh Steelers


Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the Pittsburgh Steelers. [Somewhere in the Steelers practice facility]

Santonio Holmes: (/sits at computer and types furiously)


Mike Tomlin: (/enters) Santonio, what are you doing, practice ended 15 minutes ago.

Holmes: Coach, I’m just…um…nothing…

Tomlin: What are you doing on the team computer?

Holmes: Nothing, coach!

Tomlin: (/peeks closer) Are you on eHarmony.com?

Holmes: Who? Me? Naw, no way…

Tomlin: Yes you are! You’re opening an account!

Holmes: Ok fine, I am. Look, coach, it’s just lonesome sometimes, and I finally decided this weekend that I wanted to get out there, meet somebody nice. So I snapped a quick profile picture and I’m putting together my profile page now.

Tomlin: I hear you. What’s the photo look like?

Holmes: Here…(/types)


Tomlin: …

Holmes: Too much?

Tomlin: No no, that looks great. I’m sure you’ll meet a really nice girl looking like an extra from a Jake Steed movie.

Holmes: Hey!

Tomlin: Who the hell has clear shower curtains? Did you take a weekend trip to a mid 90’s amateur porn set?

Holmes: I just wanted to put up a picture that would get a nice lady to like me.

Tomlin: Santonio, that picture will give nice ladies nightmares about their uteruses exploding. You need to take a tip from my profile page.

Holmes: Coach, YOU have an eHarmony profile?

Tomlin: Oh yeah, check out these photos (/types)…


Tomlin: Look at that. I look like a stronger, more successful Omar Epps.

Holmes: Does that work?

Tomlin: Oh hell yeah. I’ve been doing this since I was in Minnesota. Now I’m in Pittsburgh. Basically, I’m the king of mediocre looking fat white women.


Ben Roethlisberger: (/enters) Hey watcha doing guys?

Tomlin: Hey Ben. I’m showing Santonio how to set up his eHarmony profile.

Roethlisberger: That’s great. I love that site. Check me out…(/types)


Holmes: …

Tomlin: …

Roethlisberger: That’s how I met my new girlfriend.

Holmes: Who’s that?

Roethlisberger: (/types)


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2 comments:

CrabblerK3 said...

No matter how many times I see it, I never get used to that picture of the XXL Steelers fan.

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