Friday, April 18, 2008

Offseason Maneuvering: Cincinnati Bengals

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the Cincinnati Bengals.

[At the Bengals Practice Facility]

Chad Johnson: (/storms into the facility)

Johnson: That is it. Ocho Cinco is coming out and saying it. I do NOT want to play for the Cincinnati Bengals. I’m unhappy, and I’m going to be very vocal about it. If that means you’re going to have to get rid of me, you’re going to have to get rid of me.

Marvin Lewis: (/stares)

Lewis: …

Entire Bengals Organization: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Johnson: Hey! Just what the hell is so funny about you losing one of the best receivers in the league?

Lewis: (/wipes away tears of laughter) Chad, what the hell makes you think you’re not playing for us next year?

Johnson: Well…I’m being difficult and unruly! You can’t keep me around when I’m being that way!

Entire Bengals Organization: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Lewis: (/rolling on the floor laughing) SERIOUSLY, STOP…HAHA..JUST STOP…I CAN’T BREATHE!!!

Lewis: Chad, we’re the Bengals. Do you realize who we’ve had on this team?

(/cue OZ music)

Augustus Hill: Prisoner 30429 A.J. Nicholson, arrested May 18th, 2006, Domestic Violence.

AJ Nicholson: They brought me ON the team knowing I had rape allegations in college!

Augustus: Prisoner 10349, Eric Steinbach, arrested August 5th 2006, Boating Under the Influence.

Eric Steinbach: Pirates had nothing on me!

Augustus: Prisoner 50039, Matthias Askew, arrested July 22nd. Resisting Arrest.

Matthias Askew: The needed a multiple officers and a taser to bring me down. I am a muthafuckin super villain, bitch.

Augustus: Prisoner 24304, Chris Henry, arrested Dec. 15, 2005. Possession of marijuana.

Chris Henry: Yo, my life is stressful.

Augustus: Prisoner 24304, Chris Henry, arrested June 14th, 2006. Providing alcohol to minors.

Henry: Yo, you know what has no age? Love, that’s what.

Augustus: Prisoner 24304, Chris Henry, arrested April 3rd, 2008. Punching an 18-year-old in the face after breaking his car window with a beer bottle.

Henry: Yo…actually, no, that’s on me. I’m a fucked up dude.

Lewis: So you see, Chad, while your little whine party is cute, you’re crazy if you think it’s going to get you anywhere near being booted from the team.

Johnson: Damn…this team is messed up. We’ll keep anyone around.

Lewis: Damn right, now go suit up and report to the new receivers coach.

Johnson: New coach?

Vern Schillinger: Hey pumpkin. (/hands Chad lipstick) I got you a present.

(Welcome Deadspin readers. Feel free to check out the rest of the site. You know what goes well with a joke about the Bengals? A more high concept joke about the Bengals in T-Shirt form!)

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