Offeason Maneuvering: New York Jets

Spring and summer are slow for football fans, but not for the teams and players they love. That's why, from time to time, we'll be checking in on all 32 teams to see what they're up to in the time when winners are built: The Offseason. Today, we peek in on the New York Jets.

[New Jersey, somewhere in the Jets Practice Facility]


Eric Mangini: Well, Chad, Kellen, it’s official; you’ll both be on the roster next season.


Kellen Clemens: Gaaaaaaay.


Chad Pennington: Shut up Kellen!

Mangini: Both of you shut up! The only reason I had to do this is because neither one of you looks like you’re able to run my kid’s Pop Warner team, let alone an NFL offense.

Pennington: I was really good in Pop Warner!

Clemens: That’s because they use a 20 yard field. I bet you’re like Brett Favre to a seven year old, pussy.

Pennington: Stop it, Kellen!

Clemens: You gonna cry, pussy?

Pennington: That does it!

(/swings at Clemens, arm detaches from body and falls to ground)

Pennington: Dang it!

(/picks arm up and begins to sew it back on)

Mangini: CHAD! What the hell is the matter with you?!? And Kellen, I wouldn’t go talking about anyone else’s throws if I were you.

Clemens: W-T-eff is that supposed to mean?

Mangini: (/walks five yards away and stands directly in front of Clemens)

Mangini: Throw me the ball.

Clemens: Pfft. Watch this…

(/grabs football, hurls it harder than anyone would believe reasonable at such short distance, overthrowing Mangini by 50 yards. Also, he’s about five yards wide, but it doesn't matter at that point.

[Meanwhile, 50 yards downfield]


Laveranues Coles: What the hell?

(/sees errant Kellen Clemens pass coming towards him, realizes by moving a few feet to the right he could catch it.)

Coles: Eh…nah.

(/collects $11 million guaranteed, extends contract)

[Back with coach]

Mangini: See? Neither one of you can do this damn job on your own!

Pennington: But I didn’t get a chance to throw!

Mangini: (/taps Pennington’s arm)

Pennington: (/arm detaches from body and falls to ground)

Pennington: Dang it!

(/picks up arm and begins to sew)

Mangini: The reason we kept you both is that maybe we weren’t fair to either of you last year. Maybe this team had so many holes offensively that neither one of you could have succeeded. Chad, you threw well, all things considered, but you weren’t going to turn the game around on your own. Kellen, you were way too young and didn’t have the maturity you were going to need to become the face of a struggling franchise. But maybe, just maybe guys, if you can support each other, with you, Chad, taking the reins and you, Kellen, stepping up as the season progresses, we can get this thing right. How about it?

Pennington & Clemens: YEAH!

Mangini: Great. Now I need to go draw up plans to keep Leon Washington from touching the ball when we’re on offense. Where’s my clipboard?

Clemens: It’s right here, coach!

Mangini: Toss it to me, will you?

Clemens: (/picks up clipboard, hurls it even harder than his original pass and watches it disappear into the sky)

Mangini: Dammit I hope Matt Ryan falls to us.

Pennington: (/has sad thought, arm detaches from body and falls to ground)

[Meanwhile, in Nashville, Tennessee]


Justin McCareins: GWAR?

(/sees errant clipboard thrown by Kellen Clemens coming right to his waiting hands)

McCareins: BAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW

(/bobbles clipboard, drops it on the ground)

McCareins: DDDDDDAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!