Friday, April 25, 2008

The First Annual TiT NFL Musical Mock Draft


So after going through the talent pool and realizing that we at TiT have very little real skill when it comes to gauging measurable qualities and game film, we realized that a legitimate mock draft would be a pointless exercise. However, that doesn’t stop us from applying the skills we actually use at the places that employ us and making a MUSICAL mock draft for the NFL’s upcoming draft. Essentially, we looked at what teams needed (that’s a very loose term around these snooty, concept driven parts), and picked accordingly. Before we start, the rules…

- Musicians, Songs, or Albums are permissible
- No repeats of teams in the first round. Seriously, this is hard enough.
- It’s not about how good the pick is, but what a team needs.

And with that horrendously convoluted framework, Miami, YOU’RE ON THE CLOCK!

THE TiT FIRST ANNUAL NFL MUSIC MOCK DRAFT

1. Miami Dolphins
Girl Talk –
Night Ripper


This team needs a whole lot of everything, and there is no album embodying that kind of eclectic mix as functionally as this. Building the trenches? You’ve got old school rap. Flashy skill? You’ve got new school rap and indie pop. There’s even a little alternative rock on here for third down spell back yardage.

2. St. Louis Rams
Beanie Sigel



It's the Broad Street Bully, bitch. After giving up the second most points in the league, largely thanks to an inability to stop teams when it mattered. The red zone is your block, and you don’t get it back without some mean spirited muscle.

3. Atlanta Falcons
Bubba Sparxxx – “Deliverance”


Last year officially doesn’t count, but if this city is going to survive, it needs to find a way out of the apocalypse that Michael Vick created when the dog fighting scandal salted the earth of that quarterback position. A song from one of its own about just that kind of redemption is just what the doctor ordered.

4. Oakland Raiders
Poco – “Keep on Trying”


Yeah, like they’re gonna get it right THIS year. Until old man Davis dies, they should just loop this over and over to a highlight reel of the Bowl teams.

5. Kansas City Chiefs

The Tough Alliance




The fact that it took me ten minutes to think of what the hell this team needs shows how bad they need to be blown up for the simple fact of it being so damn boring. I’m tired of these guys trying to make sense and failing. Unpredictability is the order of the day. As such, we’re giving them The Tough Alliance, which, as my former co-writer Alex points out, “is like WHAM!...but 99% less gay.” I’d give them WHAM!, but that wouldn't fly in middle America.

6. New York Jets
Jim Jones




This is the city of Namath. This is the city that invented the iconic quarterback. The Jets without an NYC icon isn’t right.

7. New England Patriots
Ja Rule & Jennifer Lopez – “I’m Real”




This is what this team does. They take washed up former stars and turn them into GOLD, and here they get two of them. After this pick both of these two will have two more platinum albums each thanks to the voodoo they work in Foxborough.

8. Baltimore Ravens
The Wire Soundtrack – And All The Pieces Matter



This is self explanatory and THIS IS WHAT THE RAVENS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!! Are you kidding me with this toothless version helmed by a formerly legit quarterback? Or worse, Kyle Boller? Ray Lewis would stab this bitch.

9. Cincinnati Bengals

The Postal Service – “This Place Is a Prison”



It works because of the criminal culture, and it works because that title is literal in the case of the outspoken Ocho Cinco. Oh, and here’s some bonus analysis because we’ve been so silly this offseason: DO NOT TRADE HIM NOW CINCY. Seriously. You passed up Lito Sheppard and a first rounder, and you passed up potentially two first rounders. At this point, the spite is all you have.

10. New Orleans Saints

Deion Sanders – “Must Be the Money”



The problem here is that with most of these teams you can break a need down to a concept, but in this case they have such a specific need nothing else will do. Yes this sucks, but that’s how bad they need a cornerback, so if this is how they get him then so be it.

11. Buffalo Bills

White Rabbits – "The Plot"




You switch from JP Losman to Trent Edwards for the same reason you switch from a stick shift to an automatic: You’re not ready for the responsibility that comes with so much power. This team needs to put J Panic back under center and start building to move fast and crazy. This is the rollercoaster of a song they get.

12. Denver Broncos

Bear vs. Shark - “Don’t Tell the Horses the Stable’s on Fire”




Another awful defensive team, but while the others could be fixed by a man, this team has the personnel in place to turn around (two Pro Bowl caliber corners, people). This team needs a change in attitude, and some anger to shake it up. Oh, and Alex thinks that this is indicative of how out of touch Shanny is. Not ok, Broncos…very not ok.

13. Carolina Panthers
Michael Jackson - “You Are Not Alone”


Steve Smith needs to hear this like his life depends on it. One more season of Dwayne Jarrett and it might.

14. Chicago Bears
Nas – “New World”



You look at anybody they’re putting in that offensive backfield and tell me that things don’t need a total change. A big, drastic change.

15. Detroit Lions
The Benny Hill Show theme song.




As a matter of fact, somebody needs to carry a boombox playing this and follow Matt Millen.

16. Arizona Cardinals

Jefferson Starship – “Miracles”




The thing is, I really don’t get why this team is so bad. At what point do we say that the perception of failure is the very thing manifesting the actual failure? A little belief all around would do this team good.

18. Houston Texans

Paul Engemann – “Push It To the Limit”




There’s nothing quite so inspiring as a team finally looking like it’s broken out of the “permanent loser” box. There’s also nothing quite so depressing as seeing so much gushing over an 8-8 season. The ode to anti-complacency needs to be played before every game this season.

19. Philadelphia Eagles
Justice – †



This team has needed an elite, high risk/high reward receiver since it let its fragile quarterback run the other one out of town. Yet every year they make safe plays, largely because they’re scared of what could go wrong with big, splashy moves. If they don’t get experimental now, McNabb is officially over.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Clipse




This is the kind of ugly grizzle with which Jon Gruden works wonders. Seriously, the man knows how to play garbage football better than anyone in the game.

21. Washington Redskins

Boston – “Peace of Mind”




The thing is, as much as you hope these guys individually move on from losing their friend Sean Taylor, this team never looked as close to living up to their potential by playing as a unit as they did when they rallied around the tragedy last year, and a lot of that probably has to do with the joint search for understanding. Mark my words, if they keep that this is a scary team on any given week.

22. Dallas Cowboys

Asia – “Heat of the Moment”




If the media turns Tony Romo into another Tom Brady mold dreamboat, I’m going to weep. Tony Romo is not the cool kid at the party; he came from a nothing program out of free agency, and he’s already tasted failure that very few can even fathom. Plus, look at his interviews; the guy is a funny, goofy guy who would rather make a good joke at his own expense than look cool. His soul is all 80’s dance party.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers

Thin Lizzy – “The Boys Are Back In Town”




The frat rock portion of our draft continues with the Steelers, who desperately need to capture the carefree “we’re just the Pittsburgh Steelers” vibe that won them a super bowl three seasons ago. Jager bombs for everyone!

24. Tennessee Titans

Ludacris




Merrill Hoge, repeat after me: Vince Young is not supposed to be sitting back in the pocket, waiting for routes to develop. VY is supposed to hustle around the backfield and force defenses to adapt to him being VY doing VY things. That equation of style plus experience equals the vibe that’s going to make this squad even scarier next season (although big minus points for giving up a Pro Bowler for peanuts to the only white guy in the NFL giving people second chances).

25. Seattle Seahawks

Big Tymers – “Still Fly”




How can a team make the playoffs for three years straight and be so perpetually uninteresting. Shaun Alexander was the face of the franchise? REALLY?? This team needs a dose of swag. Big, balleriffic swag.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars

Mice Parade




Yeah yeah, I know, Jack Del Rio would use a homosexual slur if I ever played any of their material for him, but hear me out. This squad has gotten better every year, but it seems like even with their mastery of football as ground war they’re a small piece of the puzzle away. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they need a little grace peppered in with the barbarianism if they’re going to legitimately challenge, and I think this is the mix of fundamentals and a little playful style that would do them good. It’s the difference between throwing rocks at the throne and overthrowing the kingdom.

27. San Diego Chargers

Kanye West



By the time the season was done, I actually liked this squad more than any other one in football, largely because when they beat the Colts it looked like they’d finally balanced their ego against their talent. So seeing as I like them so much, let’s give them more of the same.

29. San Francisco 49ers

Wiz Khalifa – “Say Yeah”




Mistakes from the future: The front office is going to look at the offensive stats from last season and tighten the leash on Alex Smith. Actually, that’s the byproduct of a mistake from the past, specifically keeping Mike Nolan around. Alex Smith is probably the smartest man under center in the league, so why the team won’t play around with the playbook to compensate for their utter lack of receiving targets (Click-Clack’s lack of development at tight end is shameful) is beyond me. Bring in Urban Meyer as a consultant and turn the traditional offense on its head. It’s a matter of executing familiar things in an unfamiliar manner, hence the mix of rave and hip hop.

30. Green Bay Packers

Angie Stone – “I Wish I Didn’t Miss You Anymore”



Then burn a cd of the song and send a copy to Peter King.

31. New York Giants

Kool and the Gang - “Celebration”



Seriously, they won the Super Bowl, everyone keeps their jobs, and Shockey is being shipped to a far away place, which kind of makes it like winning TWO Super Bowls.

Also come back on Saturday, when we'll be doing the firtst ever TiT LIVE BLOG, courtesy of the NFL Draft.

No comments: