Political Gridiron

Slow news week for football, but if you're like me, you're busy watching what's happening with regard to who is going to run the free world for the next four years. Also, if you're like me, you're painfully uninformed as to what the hell makes any of these guys different from the other. And while others may be satisfied with political dialogue that extends to the enlightened realms of "Having a black president would be cool," (the reason I continue to write in for Coolio on my ballot) or "Hilary is a [insert derogatory reduction of female gender to misogynist depiction here]", you deserve to know more. That's why we've decided to give football fans an easy reference guide for their political candidates, telling you which political candidate compares best with which player. Enjoy

Barack Obama = Adrian Peterson

Much like when Obama hits his stride at the podium, nobody makes us feel elation the way Purple Jesus does running the ball. Also similarly to Obama, nobody makes us feel quite so much trepidation committing to him either. Admit it, every time AP ran, especially after the knee injury, we all held our breath a little and remembered how fragile something so graceful could be. The lack of experience of both of these men, combined with the unbelievable talent they’ve shown for their respective fields, keeps us on the edge of our seats for something incredible even as we all know that there’s a very good chance it could fall apart in an instant.

Hilary Clinton = Eli Manning

Tired of living in the shadow of a close relation? Check. Unconventionally dominating a city that doesn’t seem to jibe with their personality? Check. Currently holding the hammer now that they’ve beaten opposition that nobody thought they’d be hanging with? Big fat check. Both of these two stumbled through much of the start of their careers looking like they didn’t know how to handle the competition, but they both have shown flashes of a vindictive streak that is everything that is good about the term “stone cold bitch.” Eli shanking Tiki in the preseason and with a Super Bowl win is Hilary castrating Edwards after he had the nerve to show her up early in the primaries. Also, I bet they both antique really well.

John McCain = Donovan McNabb

I don’t care how many credentials either of these guys bring to the table; it all seems a little phony to me. McCain wants to be a middle of the road centrist first. Donovan wants to play with a high powered offensive threat like T.O.. Then they both change their tunes, with McCain trying to convince us all that he not only supported bombing Iraq, he’s got a whole list of OTHER countries that could do with a paddling, and Donovan getting touchy about wanting to be the clear leader in the offensive locker room. The end result is that they both look like image conscious divas trying to wear daddy pants. Also, with the GOP and Mama McNabb wielding such heavy influence, it feels too much like someone else is engineering the whole thing, making the masquerading as BMOC even more shady. That doesn’t mean they aren’t both really capable; it just means they alientate a lot of people as they perform.

Mitt Romney = Randy Moss circa 2007

The most bizarre part of the media coverage of both of these men is how everyone seems to have forgotten the previous two years of their lives. The same Mitt Romney that hates gay marriage and abortions now once helmed a state that was at the forefront of homosexual marital rights and is pretty close to making abortions tax deductible. Similarly, the “team player” Randy Moss is the same guy who ran two head coaches out of town and quit on the Raiders because he wasn’t in the mood to do a job he got paid millions of dollars to do. Yet here they both are now, saying all the right things to the media (although inner Randy looks like he’s about to burst out of the chest of 2007 Randy any second now). Also, I’m pretty sure one of the central tenets of Mormonism is “keeping bitches in line,” for which Randy has shown a penchant.

Mike Huckabee = Michael Strahan

Mike Huckabee is a hardcore right wing evangelist who once advocated quarantining AIDS carriers. Michael Strahan is a philandering bitter divorcee who fought tooth and nail on how much child support he would provide the wife he left. We know all these things. Still, as soon as the cameras are on, we can’t look away from either of these men. Huckabee and Strahan’s television personas are relatable and charming in ways that Romney and Tiki Barber dream about as they spend hours practicing to keep their smiles extra wide. They also get what resonates with the common man. Strahan writes a book talking about his experience in football that is all about the dirty things that players do. Huckabee gets Chuck Effing Norris to campaign with him. Just like Strahan proved himself to be in the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t be surprised if Huckabee is much more dangerous come November than anyone knows. Goes to show you how far a winning smile goes.