As a prostitute, you really seem to be falling down the board.

I’ve got to tell you, having gotten the chance to see you in action, I just don’t buy you as a top ten prostitute in this game. I’ve been coming into Indianapolis for the NFL combine for a long time, and my years of experience ordering from escort services, working the private rooms at strip clubs, and simply cruising the streets of seedy neighborhoods at night tell me that when it’s all said and done, people won’t be willing to pay top tier money in New York at the draft for the caliber of prostitute that I expect they'll get with you.

The fact of the matter is that I just don’t think you have what it takes to make it on the big stage. Sure, in Indianapolis you’ve dominated the competition, but let’s remember that this is a small town. Here, you’re not expected to perform at a high level; being blond, not being retarded, and not having a cleft palette are really the only things that will be asked of you. That simply is not the case in the pros. The problems start with your fellatio technique. Quite frankly, what I’ve seen from you so far will not fly when you get to the bigtime. You think your “Best BJ in Indy” move is going to stun anyone in a prime time situation like New York? The fact of the matter is that at that level, not having much of a gag reflex isn’t going to cut it; having ANY gag reflex at all will get you passed over. Also, your spotty eye contact during oral sex is something you can get away with now, but it is really going to hurt you at the next level. No, really, an angry john will probably slap you because of it.

Also, I don’t like the fact that you really don’t bring a lot to the table in terms of versatility at your position. These second rate customers you’re used to may let you get away with working from the Missionary position, but what happens when you reach the next level and are asked to get outside of your very small comfort zone? The “Inside View”? The “Little Miss Muffet”? The “So You Liked the Lasagna?”? These are techniques that you are just not comfortable with, and I don’t think anyone is going to be willing to coach you up as far as you need to be coached. The culture of the draft is one of instant results, and nobody is going to throw money at an investment that won’t make an immediate impact on their lonely, lonely sex lives. The fact that you’re very comfortable working with a handjob is not going to impress them enough to take a chance on you.

That said, I really like your motor. You could have easily quit when I was on top of you and my sweat and hair gel dripped into your eyes, but you kept up the pace and played through pain. That’s something scouts in particular with notice at the draft. So, despite what I’ve said, there’s a chance that someone late in the draft could be willing to take a chance on you as a longer term project if they have the time and money. You know, like some team intern with an extra $20 who wants to choke you while you do 2girls1cup or something. That could be the perfect fit for you.