Yeah, that's the ticket...

[The scene is a North Atlanta ghetto, where Adam “Pac Man” Jones is volunteering with a group of at-risk youth.]

Adam “Pac Man” Jones: And that’s why it’s important that you stay in school, eat your vitamins, and always say no to drugs, kids.


Children of the ghetto: WE LOVE YOU MR. JONES!

Pac Man: And I love all of you.

(Suddenly, from across the street, in an alley)

Woman in peril: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Pac Man: What’s that?! Sounds like a woman in distress! Sorry kids, I need to go help!

(Pac Man runs to the alley to discover a woman being kidnapped and taken into a car)

Woman: HELP! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED BY THE MAFIA! SAVE ME ADAM “PAC MAN” JONES, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!

Pac Man: Let her go, evildoer!


Mafia man: Never!

(The Mafia man drives off with his victim)

Pac Man: Time to get moving!

(Pac Man, using speed unlike any of his NFL peers, chases down the car and catches it 80-yards from where it started moving. He then grabs the car and stops it in its tracks with his unparalleled strength)

Mafia man: (exiting the car) You’ll never catch me, Pac Man!

(The Mafia man runs away, carrying his victim, into a northern Atlanta strip club called the “Body Tap”)

Pac Man: Darn! He’s run into a strip club. What am I to do? My deeply ingrained respect for women makes those establishments abhorrent to me. Nevertheless, if it is for the greater good, and ONLY for the greater good, then I must go inside!

(Pac Man runs inside the strip club, only to find an entire mafia gang waiting for him)


Mafia gang: (in unison) Now you’re dead, Pac Man!

Pac Man: Double darn! You’ve all got firearms, and I don’t have one! I don’t even own a firearm, and I certainly don’t associate with people who do, as those items cause nothing but negative consequences for individuals in unsafe situations and for society as a whole. Luckily, I can rely on my years of training…MARTIAL ARTS training!

(Pac Man proceeds to use martial arts to deliver a Jackie Chan/Matrix/Kung Pow: Enter the Fist style beating to the entire gang)

Pac Man: (Going over to help up the kidnapped woman) Miss, are you OK?

Woman: Why, yes, because…

(The woman pulls a gun on Pac Man)

Woman: I’m actually Wanda Jackson, Atlanta defense attorney and the head of all of the mafia, and I’ve lured you into my trap to kill you, systematically destroy the safety of our inner city neighborhoods, and damage the good name of the NFL, Pac Man!

Pac Man: Never! Normally I don’t fight women, because I revere them so fervently, but when the reputation of the NFL is at risk, I must defend it!

(Pac Man slaps Wanda Jackson’s gun away and proceeds to have another slow motion Kung Fu fight in which he punches Ms. Jackson right in the eye, knocking her out cold)

Pac Man: Whew, thank goodness that’s over, and everyone is safe.

(TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle breaks through a wall in the strip club)


Kurt Angle: NOT SO FAST, PAC MAN!!!

(The two men brace for a fight, staring int….)


Roger Goodell: ALRIGHT, NOW THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH, MR. JONES!

[Meanwhile, back in NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office, where Pac Man is frantically pantomiming this story as he tells it to the Commissioner]

Pac Man: But this is the most important part of the explanation!

Goodell: ...

Pac Man: Come on, man, this is how it went down! You should be giving this season’s MVP retroactively!

Goodell: …

Pac Man: …

Goodell: …

Pac Man: I’m never playing again.

Goodell: Yep.