Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Miami Solution: Throwing Money at Problems and Seeing if Something Sticks

Bill Parcells is now the new Vice President of Football Operations for the Miami Dolphins.

For all his accomplishments (as a coach, and only as a coach, albeit one with a fair amount of player personnel clout), he's not exactly the kind of guy you expect to honor the full terms of his contract (which is why I was entertained by the Falcon's trying so hard to get him. Seriously, some people never learn.) There are tons of other bloggers, sports/writer people who will debate the merits of this hiring based on Parcells' track record, his playoff record, and his history of bolting places when his heartburn and hatred of everyone around him reaches critical mass. This is, after all, a man who can serve as the illustration of "curmudgeon" in the American Oxford English Dictionary.

I don't know if Bill Parcells will be a good VP of Football Operations. Maybe he'll last longer than Dan Marino did in that position (about three weeks). Maybe he'll fire Randy Mueller and earn a spot on my Christmas card list. Maybe he'll hire away Scott Pioli from New England and receive a Harry and David Buffet Dinner Basket from me in tribute. However…I think the whole idea kind of stinks. Anyone who has watched the Dolphins this season (I'm sorry, there's really nothing the city of Miami can do to make it up to you except maybe send you a papaya) knows that the Dolphins are in serious need of draft guru-ing, coaching, inspiration, fight, anti-aging serum, a quarterback…the list goes on and on. However, part of the reason the Dolphins (and this goes for the Falcons too) are in this is hole is because the Miami Dolphins have overpaid, overspent, and otherwise thrown money at problems in the vague hope that they will get better. The Dolphins went out and got the best college coach money could buy. They brought in a brand-name quarterback rehabbing from a knee injury. They brought in another, slightly more past-the-sell-by-date quarterback because the last 5.5 million dollar man failed to save us from the quarterback play of Cleo Lemon. They got rid of their leading receivers (TE Randy McMichael, WR Wes Welker, and WR Chris Chambers) in order to get talent that "fit the scheme" and "pick up draft picks." And like many a legacy student the world over, the Dolphins have staggered through the football equivalent of accidental muff flashes, walk-of-shames caught on camera, and financial bailouts from daddy these past two seasons.

Sure Wayne, Nick Saban wasn't talking to Alabama. Daunte Culpepper's knee was totally ready to go! Trent Green's concussion history wasn't anything to worry about, and $7.2 million is a reasonable price to pay for someone whose brain probably resembles cottage cheese with a strawberry mix-in. Do you really think a $4 million a year consultant is going to make a discernible difference on a team steeped in denial and with a deeply entrenched culture of lousy talent evaluation and lousy management? Do you think Bill Parcells can deal with the Dolphins long enough to change any of that?

1 comment:

Prof Adrock said...

Oh, but isn't that the way Miami deals with any problem? Falling condo prices?...build more! Unnavigatible airport? - build more cost-overrun terminals (BTW, MIA gives new meaning to the term "terminal")! Poor roads and public transportation? - More SunPass lanes! I'm sure even global warming will be dealt with by some aimless cash-infusion meant to keep 100,000 BMW's above water! Actually, Bill Parcells may be more of a solution to Global Warming than to the Dolphin's woes...He does store a lot of hot air!

(Just some friendly agreement from your old tutor, Adam!)