Monday, November 19, 2007

Monday Hangover: 11-19-2007

Just so you all realize how on board the struggle bus I am today, I typed this out, then proceeded to somehow lose the entire document, then retyped it again in a much less funny mood. Enjoy watching me go on the rag this week.

Wow, I am in a pissy, grimey funk right now. I just got back from New Haven yesterday, where I watched Yale get stunned by Harvard. Yes, we smart kids play football from time to time too. Anyway, while we lost the game, Yale certainly won the tailgate, and I certainly lost at life, seeing as I was barely coherent from Friday afternoon on, managed to accidentally dial an ex when I wanted to get in touch with a friend, woke up Saturday morning with a tin of buffet food and regret on my chest, spent the entire tailgate drinking until I felt less old (we got about ten beers deep before I quit on that pipe dream), was called “rugged looking” (read: “sweet lord you look like you survived a fire”), was carpooled around by my significantly more successful younger brother (whose music you should give a listen…really, he’s talented), managed to age about five more years when I learned that one of my best friends had eloped with his girlfriend (now his WIFE?!?!?), and I, a 24 year old man, literally hid in order to avoid running into my ex, a 20 year old college senior. Suffice to say, Sunday morning, I woke up with an even bigger tin of food and regret on my chest.

Was that a bit emotional? Well, at least football won’t judge me…

- That’s right, how you like our boy The American Dream Kellen Clemens now? The American Dream put up a solid game against a top three defense, engineered a game tying and game winning drive, and restored our nation’s sense of security. Also, I’m feeling frisky enough to say that we should definitely be trading Jon Vilma this offseason. David Harris, who is in dire need of a nickname, put together another double digit tackle game, and had a sack to boot. Wait, you mean playing people who actually fit the system is better than running undersized Jon Vilma into a 300 pound lineman all day? Why, that’s Mangenius!!!

- Equally heartwarming was seeing how Mangini looked like he wanted to cry with joy after that win. Um, Eric, you do remember when we went to the playoffs last year, right?

- Meanwhile, on the other side of the beginning of the Jets’ 8-8 season, the Steelers showed they’re not yet ready to hang with the Pats. Lest you forget, the Cheaters run pretty much the same defense that the Jets used to shut Big Ben down, except they use Pro Bowlers, and we use Abram Elam and Eric Barton. Willie Parker got outperformed by The Joneses, and nobody besides Santonio Holmes felt like getting open downfield for a pass. This team is a Romeo Crenel meltdown from not even taking their division, let alone taking on the Pats.

- Keith Olberman on the Falcons QB situation: “Joey Harrington, as usual, can’t get it done. Next quarterback please!!!” Now, it’s Alex, and not me, who has a strange love for Joey Heisman, one which I don’t fully understand. But at this point, the slander of Joey is starting to piss me off, if only because it falls in line with the “only certain players that we pre-approve will be stars” mentality of the league. Harrington, prior to getting benched for Atlanta Fats, had put together a two game win streak. In his shortened playing time yesterday, he was 16/20 for 139 yards and a TD. On the season, he is outplaying nine other starting quarterbacks. But Keith’s probably right, it’s probably Joey’s fault that the Falcons are miserable. It couldn’t be because they had to scramble to reform their offense because their starting QB killed dogs, or because their receivers make the football look like it’s 200 degrees the way they actively reject catching it, or because the team plays Warrick Dunn instead of younger, bigger, faster Warrick Dunn, or because the offensive line can’t block long enough to sustain Bobby Petrino’s bizarre play calling. They should definitely start Leftwich, or hey, maybe they should create a quarterback out of thin air. Actually, how about instead of any of that, they stick with the guy that gives them a chance of winning instead of panicking because douchebags like Keith Olberman need fodder for mediocre jokes.

- See? I told you I was feeling pissy this weekend. I think I might be on my period.

- Kevin Jones might be the worst feature running back I’ve ever seen. Seriously, he’s giving Tatum Bell negotiating leverage. It’s that bad over in Detroit. Also, I don’t think the Lions have the playoffs in them. Kitna can put up 400 yard days, but without a run game to help him, he’ll be putting the ball in the other team’s hands as much as his own.

- Eli Manning might be the best play action quarterback in the league. I’m not sure if that’s because he practices so much, or because he always looks like he just doesn’t want to have anything to do with the football, but it’s a really convincing fake..

- Other note, Brandon Jacobs is terrifying. There are 200 plus pound men hitting him at full speed, and they are BOUNCING OFF OF HIM!!! I don’t think I saw him go down after first contact all day yesterday.

- I’m glad that seeing a recovering Kevin Everett on the jumbotron screen before the game warmed Bill Belichick’s heart to the point where he hung 56 points on the Bills, all the while going for it on fourth downs. He’s not even TRYING to act like he’s not evil. He might as well have booed when the pre-game inspirational speech came on. What’s even better is that there’s not a drop of “antihero” in this year’s iteration of the Patriots; it's just straight up old school villainy. They are actively making the season less interesting, they’re destroying traditional ideas of sportsmanship, and they’re responsible for some of the greatest justifications for moral ambiguity I’ve ever heard from racists New England fans that I’ve ever heard. Really? It’s OK to run the score up because someone accurately said you cheated? There is a whole generation of Boston youth that is going to grow up to be sociopaths after watching this football season.

- Yeah yeah, Seattle fans, I get it, you just beat the Bears. You also gave up 8 yards a carry to Cedric Benson, the bane of my fantasy football existence. Let’s ease up on the “we’re back” talk. I was just back at Yale, and I DIDN’T vomit in public and wake up alone in the street, which is nice, but I wouldn’t use it as evidence that I’m “back” on my A-Game.

- The Arizona Cardinals are inexplicably slouching toward winning the NFC West. Still, it’s never a good sign when a team is relying on Kurt Warner to pull it together in order to establish some consistency under center.

- Oh, meanwhile, if I’d told you four weeks ago that the Rams weren’t going to be the worst team in the NFC West, you wouldn’t have believed me. West Coast football sucks.

- I honestly feel bad for Carson Palmer, if only because law school has taught me what it's like to feel like you have to get everything done on your own even though you know you can't. He’s his own worst enemy at this point. I’ve never seen a quarterback with a better arm kill himself by trying to make more unnecessary, stupid throws when he's only behind by a score or two. That team needs a running game if only because Carson looks like he’s taking these losses personally, and somebody else should have to shoulder SOME of the responsibility. Where the rest of that team seems to think that there's some inexplicable force behind their collapse, Carson looks like he thinks that team is dying because of some personal failing.

- My friend suggested that maybe, just maybe, the Packers can compete with the Pats. Me, I think they’re a safety away from being able to hold off that offense, but if any two corners can mess with an elite receiving corps, it’s Al Harris and Charles Woodson, the Grizzle Gang (BAM! I knew I’d leave this MH with at least one new nickname!).

- Not to discredit Adrian Peterson at all, but the Vikings offensive line got Chester Taylor to 164 yards and 3 touchdowns. They could probably get me to a buck twenty-five on the ground too. Then again, I’m wirey.

- Oh, and just how bad must Tavaris Jackson be to suck that much behind that offensive line? If he was behind, say, the Steelers line, could things get that much worse? Better still, how do things get worse than they already are when Tavaris Jackson is involved? Wouldn’t someone have to die or something?

- Seriously, am I supposed to believe that Jack Del Rio planned on David Garrard being this good? The kid is throwing DAGGERS, and has yet to toss a pick. Add that sort of consistency back to a Jags team that is running the ball down teams’s throats, factor in the possible late season resurrection of MJD, and bang up the Colts a little more…ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Jaguars? I don’t understand anything anymore.

- Oh, and Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson are both back for the Texans, in case you thought the AFC South couldn’t get any more confusing.

- The Chiefs are going to win the AFC West with Brody Croyle starting and a 7-9 record. West Coast Football SUCKS.

- If there's one thing I'm walking away with every time I see the Redskins, it's that they're nowhere near as bad as their current losing streak would indicate. They've got all the pieces necessary to compete, but they can't seem to ever get them all clicking at the same time. The founding fathers knew what they were doing when they rolled with that flag with the dead snake in thirteen pieces. Great organizations get all of their pieces consistently functioning at the same level at the same time. Good organizations aren't great because they fail to do the same.

- John "Big Love" Beck is going to finish the season with more wives than touchdown passes.

Wow, that was sub-par. Let's see if I can't redeem myself with some final thoughts on the divisions. The AFC East is no fun thanks to the Pats, but keep your eye on the Bills. The AFC North will send two teams to the playoffs. The AFC South will probably go to the Jaguars. The AFC West is sad, but it looks like it could be good in the near future. No such luck for the NFC West, as they're just sad. The NFC East will sneak three teams into the playoffs. The NFC North will remind us all what it's like to root FOR an iconic quarterback. Finally, the NFC South will be the most exciting divisional race to watch, largely thanks to the incompetence of that entire division.

And just like that, we're done here. Check out Alex's MNF Redux column tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm out of here like I stole something.

1 comment:

Alex said...

I thought we discussed my bizarre love for Joey Harrington—I have a thing for guys with tremendous upside done in by their stunning lack of self-confidence.